honestly.
my mind is full of thoughts but i cannot get anything out.

right now i am writing and deleting things, nothing seems right.

ok.

these days I just can't get well with the world. nights before going to sleep i promise myself that i wake up different. that I will wanna do things and I will go do them, because I need my life to be different. I want it to be different, just dont know how to get there which scares me. I know that its not going to be easy and as soon as i start moving towards my dream it will get easier, I just need to start. But then comes this other half of me who hopes that somebody will come with a wizard wand and it all work ok.

"Darling, it wont".

And i know it, i just wish things were easier, clearer. I really do not understand what I am doing wrong in some cases. Everything seemed to be working out good between us and then you just shut me out. why? or was it me, who thought that this can be a real nice thing? and it was just a little summer thing and summer is over and it is over now and we move on?

Maybe for some people it is easy to come back to a real life and pretend nothing has changed, but everything has changed and what has happened cant un-happen. I honestly did not plan that, I didnt need that, because I knew that I do not want to leave anymore of my heart anywhere else. But well it happened and now it hurts. in all the different ways.

"Its time to forget" they say. But i feel it. yet it hit me so much harder than i thought it  would.

wish somebody could explain me how i feel about you.

Sometimes you get lucky enough to find a soul that grooves with you. I wish i would not need to let it go. Not yet.

From Mike Rowe response to his fan letter

“Look at me,” she said. “I take care of myself. I’ve put myself out there. Why is this so hard?”
“How about that guy at the end of the bar,” I said. “He keeps looking at you.”
“Not my type.”
“Really? How do you know?”
“I just know.”
“Have you tried a dating site?” I asked.”
“Are you kidding? I would never date someone I met online!”
“Alright. How about a change of scene? Your company has offices all over – maybe try living in another city?”
“What? Leave San Francisco? Never!”
“How about the other side of town? You know, mix it up a little. Visit different places. New museums, new bars, new theaters…?”

She looked at me like I had two heads. “Why the hell would I do that?”

JUST TRY TO LIVE, BE FREE. 

it was a little bit sad after when the topic was changed so quickly. because it might be not the most important thing, or not the most impressive story or someone else might have it better, or there might be more important things happening around in others love, but for her those few days were one of the best days in a long time and there were just too many things to be thankful and happy about. and now when she remembers her soul begins to dance and the room fills with light. and she is used to share the happiness and she really really wanted to be heard and smile together with her friend....

and that dreaming. You could see all the dreaming in her eyes. The passion she has for life, for every little detail of it. The sparkle when somebody smiles, when she smiles, when lovers in the street hold hands and share forehead kisses. She wants that love, she was craving for love so deep, that oceans would be jealous. You could see her blossom, remember, like those cherry trees on riverside. But for a moment, she was confused, she could not understand from where was all that courage, all that strength felt inside. And finally she realized, that  it was dancing stars together with never ending music in her head  that awoke her spirit. Yet another free soul dancing together with the stars on the ocean shore. Soon.

when you are overwhelmed by happiness for no reason. almost

For once she couldn't decide whether drops on her cheeks were from the rain or from the tears. She felt happy, for once standing in the rain felt like all she wanted for the whole days. she could hear thunder and she liked that as well. Because she understood that sometimes even nature can't handle the pressure. Because the sometimes the sky explodes.

last time I myself checked this page was one year ago. its hard to believe. time really flies, but i guess its always like that when you look back. however, I can't be more thankful for all the great things that happened this year and to say the truth I don't really imagine myself without all that. all incredible adventures I had and all the wonderful people I met. in some way all that made me think differently, want more from life and do things to get it. Thank You and I love You. 

I need more courage. More more more..
Bet šiandien, man reikia pasikalbėti, man labai reikia pasikalbėti, nes jaučiu kaip tuojau sprogsiu.

Aš taip nemoku. Negaliu.

these past to months. i hate them. just so You know.